Loneliness

I fully intended to write my next blog post about Gisèle Pelicot. But to be completely transparent, I am sad and kind of tipsy. Turns out drinking a whole bottle of moscato will indeed get me drunk despite whatever I said earlier today.  You may wonder “Why is this magnificently intelligent creature sad?” Well, I am sad because I am lonely. I have been lonely for some time now and once in a while it gets to me. I see couples go on trips, and dates, and I wonder what’s wrong with me because have none of that. I see men pick the same low grade woman over and over again. So I wonder am I too much? But to much of what exactly? Am I too strong? Or maybe I’m too opinionated. Too harsh? Difficult? Independent? What is it exactly?

I am not trying to write a blog thinking woe is me, nobody loves me I’m destined to spend my life alone. But sometimes I truly wonder what it is about me, or any of the countless women in the world that long for love. We aren’t all independent, and proud, and strong willed. It’s statistically impossible. I’ve pondered this all day, stuck in a loop of self destruction and self pity. So I’ve resorted to drinking from the bottle while rambling in my writing. I’ve had my moments of clarity today, don’t get me wrong.  After I sparked a circuit breaker in my house all by my lonesome and didn’t panic I reminded myself that I’m a bad bitch who handled her business. But that was also part of my larger looming issue. I handled it. Alone. As usual. Yes after several hours I called my dad to make sure I don’t burn the house down while I sleep. But I handled it alone, the same way I handle every single aspect of my life, alone,  albeit fun sometimes it is very very lonely.

I want all the things all the other women have. I have caught myself staring at wedding rings while at the nail salon, and smiling at babies in grocery stores. Mainly because it’s something I want so badly for myself. So when I get glimpses of the things I want in other peoples lives it reminds me that I am alone, and It is sometimes hard. I wallowed in sorrow all day today, despite doing my regular chores and making sure I don’t burn down my house. Yes, I know the feeling is temporary and tomorrow I may look at myself in the mirror and go “you really cried all day yesterday like a  baby for nothing”. But it doesn’t mean that two weeks from now I won’t feel a pang of aloneness when I see couples posts on instagram. Or when my birthday rolls around I won’t wish I had someone to go out with.

But, I have rambled on just to say, women, men, people of the earth, you are not alone. So you can have your moments and cry, because we are human. But, there is NOTHING wrong with you, or me. We will be just fine, we will be in those healthy, happy relationships. Maybe some time sooner than we expect.